Vermin Supreme runs for president
After Newt Gingrich’s promise to build a moon colony that can apply for statehood, the casual voter may not even bat an eye at 2012 presidential candidate Vermin Supreme’s promises.
“Free Ponies for all Americans,” said Supreme (and yes, that is his legal name). “One of the overlooked issues in American today. My free-pony platform is of course is a jobs creation program. It will create lots and lots of jobs once we switch over to pony based economy.”
The man, who sounds a lot a lot more like a well-spoken Charles Rathe than our next president, wears a boot on his head, several ties around his neck, and sports a beard that would make Sam Ennis jealous on November 31. Still, I have to give him props for his clear cut approach to dental hygiene.
“Gingivitis has been eroding the gum line of this great nation long enough, and it must be stopped. For too long this country has been suffering a great moral and oral decay — in spirit and incisors. A country’s future depends on its ability to bite back. We can no longer be a nation indentured. Our very salivation is at stake.”
Long story short, he would require mandatory tooth-brushing for all American citizens. I would usually be apprehensive about trusting matters of hygiene to someone named Vermin, but this one’s a good call. If we’re going to dig our way out of this recession we’re certainly not going to do it with yellow teeth.
We can see that this visionary has some nation-changing ideas, but who exactly is he? Well, according to my extensive research consisting of a quick Internet search, he grew up in Boston. He assigned himself his nickname by booking bands for underground clubs.
“That is where Vermin Supreme came into being; I was going to be a club owner, all club owners, all booking agents, they’re all vermin and I was to be the Vermin Supreme.”
Starting in the early 2000s, he began running for president. His 2012 campaign is among the first to gain national recognition, however. Many of our school’s seniors can vote this fall, and in a presidential campaign season marred by poor candidates, many voters are confused about who they can trust. Supreme, however, leaves no doubt.
“America, my name is Vermin Supreme, I am a friendly fascist,” he told the audience. “I am a tyrant that you should trust, and you should let me run your life because I do know what is best for you.” Just don’t forget. “A vote for Supreme is a vote completely wasted.” The dude’s got my vote.
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