It’s March. As we work relentlessly to maintain students, we’re likely to slip up now and again and again and again. But never fear! The Web has provided you with a fresh list of fool-proof explanations of why you didn’t make that powerpoint. Or attend class.

1. Time isn’t real.
2. Your legs are broken.
3. You ate a tube of toothpaste thinking it was GoGurt.
4. Your neighbor called you fat and you had to teach them a lesson.
5. Your computer became self-aware and won’t stop hitting on you.
6. Your bones became soft and science needs your body.
7. You developed both an overbite and an underbite. Every moment you live is agony.
8. You’re trapped in a dream within a dream within a dream.
9. You dog started talking to you last night. He says you’ve changed, man.
10. You turned your eyelids inside out and your family consequently left you by the side of interstate 35.
11. You found a jar marked “Jonny’s Baby Teeth and Tail.”
12. Everything you touch turns to gold and you’ve already lost so much already.
13. Your grandma died and fell on your dog and your dog needs therapy.
14. You found out everyone in your family was just a paid actor.
15. You created a band but everyone hates your band and you don’t feel safe in public anymore.
16. You found something in your spaghetti that looks suspiciously like a finger.
17. You had to check all of your possessions for hidden Nanny Cams.
18. Ghosts won’t stop asking you to do their bidding.

Problem solved. Enjoy your newfound free time! You’ve earned it.