As Apple rolls out another line of massively sought-after silicon, the jury is out as to whether this fresh new batch is worth the price tag.  Among the highlights of the latest Keynote presentation was the Apple Watch – or iWatch – as the millions of mindless tech-consuming zombies have dubbed it.

This “revolutionary” new wearable technology, which will come out in 2015, claims to streamline the daily living experience by making all your wildest dreams come true with the flick of a wrist.  That is, if you’re an ambitionless preteen whose wildest dreams are limited to checking the time, twitter, and the loads of gossip stored in your messages.  Yes, this is truly an Earth shattering development for all of tweenkind.

As countless developers tried to turn every sci-fi movie’s personal communicator into a reality, Apple waited patiently to release the latest rendition of smartphone-with-a-watchband.  Other major corporations have come up with little success in the area of wearable tech, as Google and Nike will be quick to tell you.  The massively publicized Google Glass and Nike Fuelband projects have ended with not much but a few punchlines aimed at prententious “Glassholes” bragging about their wearable tech to everyone and everything in earshot.

The iWatch looks to change the image of wearable technology with its “Digital Crown”, “Mobile Wallet”, and general spiffy looks.  Siri is present in the iWatch’s arsenal, as is the touchscreen display, and a new selector dial.  One can even make a fool of themselves with ease by making calls and talking into their wrist like a scene cut directly out of a Spy-Kids movie.  The new health sensors are also of great use to all those worried of their imminent death.   This phone-for-your-wrist includes most of the amenities of a run-of-the mill iPhone, minus the performance. It does, however, come with a watchband!

With many features requiring the additional ownership of an iPhone, the “low” price tag on the iWatch may be deceiving at “just” $350.  After shelling out nearly $1000 for an iPhone 6+, Glassholes and Starbucks baristas everywhere will surely be willing to save a few more pennies to get their hands on the latest in wearable tech.  If not, Apple’s newest project may prove to be a terrible wreck.