The relentless turning of the earth brings new wonders into the blinding glory of the sun’s radiance with each new day. Empires rise and fall, kings are born and assassinated, mathematical laws guide matter and energy into conformations that create consciousnesses to perceive the very universe that created them, and somewhere, somehow, a little monkey is rolling in a ball at an insane speed collecting bananas.

To those unfortunate enough to never have experienced the realized pinnacle of human achievement, the climax of the observable universe, the divine act of providence that is Super Monkey Ball 2, I can only extend my deepest condolences.

For a select group, the very mention of Super Monkey Ball 2 ignites a spark deep within that was almost extinguished by the smothering monotony of high school life. Like Russian sleeper cells, they walk among you in the halls, awaiting the trigger–silent and undetectable until it is too late. As soon as the codeword is uttered, the primal instincts take control of the host, contorting the subconscious of the victim to seek out the nearest Gamecube and begin the ritual.

What could be more fun than a barrel of monkeys? Clearly, a ball of monkeys.

An unparalleled feeling of sweeping bliss overwhelms the player as they look on as humble observers to the monkey rolling it’s ball stoward the goal. Super Monkey Ball reflects the eternal struggles facing mankind as a single entity, across racial and societal boundaries.

In short, this game is bananas.

The monkeys are encapsulated in spherical prisons as an allusion to that feeling of being trapped in your own solitary life. Suspended above an abyss on a perilous platform, the monkeys draw attention to our own looming mortality. The bananas the monkeys collect represent the accolades you are told will complete you. When the monkeys finally meet their goal at the end of this obstacle course of life, they are greeted with a celebration and hopefully some satisfaction when they ascend into the sky.

The bewildered recipient of the life-changing wisdom found in the story mode may then choose to continue their introspective journey through their own psyche in the portion of the experience enigmatically naming itself “Minigames.” For most, the convolution of the physical laws we have come to expect from our universe is too great, leading to a quick descent into madness upon venturing into this realm. Monkey Bowling, Monkey Racing, Monkey Dogfighting; logic concludes that such activities cannot exist and yet Super Monkey Ball seems to throw off the petty shackles of reason simply to prove how much we have yet to learn.

The reverence this spectacle of perfection imbues unto the humble populus is undeniable. The gripping story of justice for the bananas wrenched from the poor primates is enough to bring even the most scarred and toughened heart to shambles. In light of such a masterpiece, one wonders if it should even bear the derisive classification of video game. To share this designation with such trifles as GTA V or League of Legends (A breakdown of this game can be found in the article “DoTA ‘lolz’ at LoL” by our resident professor) is frankly an insult to an entity with Ballistic Monkey capabilities, and could very well prove to launch our society into a primate-ruled dystopia like in Rise of the Planet of the Apes, except they are monkeys, super, and in ball.

Now that we have witnessed their arrival, what is is that these sphere bound saints require of us, their assumed servants? Do they seek retribution for our crimes against their brethren in zoos and science labs or their potassium-rich and curved treasure? Some say we will never know, but if that is true, if we really do not know who these monkeys are, then it may be a good idea to tread lightly.