With all of the political mumbo-jumbo and attack ads these days, it can be hard to keep everything straight. However, in order for our great state of Iowa and proud nation of ‘Merica to function properly, we need to elect the best candidates. For the sake of our well-being, I’ve created a handy-dandy little breakdown of four different candidates this November. Enjoy!

Criteria includes, and is fully limited to: appearance, age, coolness of name, and family.

Steve King vs. Jim Mowrer

Name: Steve King? More like Steve Dictator. Americans have already had plenty of experience with kings, and we hate them. Chalk one up for Mowrer.

Appearance: While Mowrer already has the advantage in the “coolness of name” department, he loses in the “looks” category. King has better hair, and it’s not even close.

Age: Jim Mowrer is yet to reach his 30th birthday. Steve King was already 10 years into his marriage by the time Mowrer was born. A job like this is best suited for someone with both energy and experience. These guys are polar opposites in that category. Call it a push.

Family: King has three sons: David, Michael and Jeff. Mowrer has two: Carter and Jack. Jack is a pretty normal name, as are David, Michael and Jeff. In this case, the badass name of Carter propels Mowrer into the lead. Vote for Mowrer!

Bruce Braley vs. Joni Ernst

Name: The name “Bruce” accomplishes two things at once; it’s a common name, which makes it easier for folks to pronounce and remember it, and it’s a badass name. Bruce is just a stellar name. No way around it. Joni isn’t a bad name, but it doesn’t have the girth that a name like Bruce provides. Point, Braley.

Appearance: If you google search “Joni Ernst attractive,” three of the first ten images also include Sarah Palin. This means Ernst is less attractive than Sarah Palin, if the only way she can get an attractive picture is if it’s with Sarah Palin. Google searching “Bruce Braley attractive” will provide you with a grand total of zero Sarah Palin pictures, meaning Bruce is more attractive than Palin. By using the transitive property, we can see that Braley is more attractive than Palin and Ernst. This is easy. Braley 2, Ernst 0.

Age: Braley is 56 years old and was born on October 30. Ernst is 44 years old and was born on July 1. Ernst was born closer to the 4th of July, so she is more patriotic. Braley was born near Halloween, which shows he doesn’t want to work, and he just wants to eat candy and scare small children. Ernst scores a point here.

Family: Ernst has one daughter named Libby. Braley has three children, named Lisa, David and Paul. Ernst wins this one. Libby is a solid name; not great, but it will get the job done against sub-par competition. Ernst wins another! However, the “appearance” victory for Braley is too strong. Vote for Braley.

You’re welcome, Iowa.