My name is Kaleb Stevens. I am a member of the Stevens family. My family is everywhere.

I am a junior. My sister, Anna, is a freshman. My cousin Skip is a sophomore. My cousin Rebekah, Skip’s sister, is a senior. My cousin Todd graduated from Ames High two years ago. My cousin Julia, Skip and Rebekah’s sister, is an eighth grader. My cousin Sammy, Todd’s brother, is an 8th grader. My brother Niko is a sixth grader. My cousin Isaiah, Rebekah, Skip, and Julia’s brother, is a sixth grader. My cousin Zach, Rebekah, Skip, Julia, and Isaiah’s brother, is in the third grade (he has never thought that he was gay). My sister, Naomi, is in the first grade. My cousin Davina, Todd and Sammy’s sister, is a kindergartner. My cousin, Vincent, is a preschooler. We are all in Ames. We run this place.

There are Stevens you don’t even know about. People you could not imagine. People you could not dream.

We are peaceful. We mean no harm. Only domination. Only takeover. Only respect.

We are not to be taken lightly. Not to be laughed at, ridiculed, teased, berated, taunted, sneezed, shared, held, helpen, frightened, told, raged, or pouted on.

AND WE ARE EVERYWHERE. Mess with one of us and you mess with all of us. All of us. All of us. All of us. All of us.

We can dance and sing and skateboard and ball and bawl and brawl and laugh and lead and speak and rap and hope and cook and draw and paint and take pictures and pray and play and EAT and monopolize and learn and run and kiss. We are good kissers, although I am saying that completely out of faith because, since they are my family, I have never kissed them. If they weren’t my family, I still wouldn’t kiss them because that would be weird.

There could be a Stevens class president for the next four consecutive years.

I hope you love your family as much as I love mine. Oh, and by the way, we are accepting applications. Think that being a Stevens is for you? Are you loud? Good!

We’ll see what we can do.

All of us.