Throughout the majority of human history, the main concern was finding ways to consume more calories in a day. But in 2016 America, CNN is full of pieces of toast that look like Jesus, global warming, and juice cleanses. The demonstration of wealth has shifted from plump to petite, but the cost of scaling down is piling up.

Dietitians have been warning the public against these quick-fix schemes for years, but what do they know? Here are some of the excellent lifestyle choices YOU can try TODAY!

• The Tapeworm Diet

Tapeworms, a parasite commonly consumed in undercooked or contaminated meat, are a brilliant solution to your lifestyle needs! Though the selling and importation of tapeworms is illegal in the United States and an untreated infestation can be lethal, there’s nothing like having a little friend in your belly.

• The Prayer Diet

By praying that you’ll drop those extra pounds, God will magic-wand them away,

because he’s a cool guy and you’ve earned it.

• The Vision Diet

Eat exactly as normal while wearing blue-tinted glasses. If you’re superficial, your

food will no longer look appealing. Especially effective for quitters.

• The Baby Food Diet

Instead of regular human adult food, you eat upwards of sixteen jars of baby food a

day. Because that’s revolting, you won’t be able to take in as many calories as usual and will

cry yourself into a waist-trimming stupor.

Pick your favorite and go crazy! Don’t read books. Kill the whales. Leave the faucet on while brushing your teeth. Don’t vaccinate your children. WE’RE NEVER GOING TO DIE.