The senior early birds have already spread graduation party invites through the halls, and thus it begins. To clarify, the midwest is dumb. Grad parties are only a big deal in the midwest. Everywhere else in the country, a grad party is family and a few close friends for some food and jokes about failed tests. But for whatever reason, the breadbasket of the US decided that everyone has to throw a Quinceanera-explosion-extravaganza for getting your GED.

To clarify, if that is the party you want to throw, by all means. I’m sure it will be glorious and I will stop by to see the ice sculpture in your likeness. However, we all need a reminder that there is simply no obligation to uphold this mounting tradition. And there are steps that everyone can take to maintain the chaos that is May:

• Don’t hang up every picture of you ever. No one is going to look at all of those. Find the ones you like, then cut those in half, and then in half again.
• Do not go to EVERYONE’S party. Five in one day is too many, let alone 14. They will forgive you.
• Limit your party to a couple hours. 5-11 pm is exhausting. Besides, whoever truly wants to go to the party will make it a priority.
• And most importantly: save on money and time. Don’t eat food at your own home during the month of May. This will be unbelievably easy, since you will still go to 12 parties too many.

We’ll miss you, seniors, but we’ll miss your paper plates and strawberries more. Good job on the spelling bee in 4th grade by the way. Glad you kept the trophy.