Strolling down the halls can be a harrowing adventure. The midst of the writhing sea of students includes such characters as randies randomly turning around, that freshman who is sprinting, the couple of bros walking impossibly slow, and, of course, that one super jacked dude Stefan Kraus oh man he is so attractive and smart.

Imagine, among this menagerie of millions of mindlessly meandering macabre mammoths monopolizing the middle of the hallway, you manage to make your meager migration past Mooney’s mythical madhouse and into the stairway when what do you witness but two mugwumps making out. Mugwumps. Look it up.

After reevaluating your existence and applying some of Mr. Junck’s patented Hydrosulfuric acid to your eyes(Don’t actually do this) to ensure your eyes may never torture you in such a way again (Seriously don’t), you may ask why these not-so-surreptitious face suckers decided to try to dislocate each other’s jaws like burmese pythons right in front of everyone.

The answer is simple. These “people” are actually, get this, snake people, transmitting data they’ve collected on our species. They have somehow removed the skin off of your colleagues in one single piece. No easy task judging by my experience with oranges, but maybe humans are more like bananas in that department.

Evidence? What do you need for evidence? Are you really going to be like “Oh yea these people may be giant super-intelligent and hyper-coordinated reptilian puppetmasters crawling in the skin of my beloved classmates as if it were a Snuggie, but I think I’ll risk assimilation because this guy didn’t post a peer-reviewed study?” Really?

Luckily, snake people are fairly easy to dispatch. Once you have discovered that one of your classmates has been using Mouth Code to relay data to their slithery overlords, stay calm. Remember the two things snakes hate: Whitney Houston hits and scotch tape.

I digress. The point is nobody wants to see that in the hallways. It’s nasty. We get that you have a “bf/gf” or you are “totes mcgoats” a “thing” now. We don’t care. We just want to get to class without having to witness a pickup game of Tonsil Hockey or Find the Palatine Uvula. Do that in a normal place, like Starbucks or on the train tracks at about 9:10 A.M (Don’t do this either. Or do, then sue me(Don’t actually sue me)).

We are looking at you, Tob. We are trying not to, man, how we are trying, but when you just suck face in front of everywhere it’s impossible to look away. Like a neckbearded [Expletive Deleted] making out with a [Expletive Deleted]. If I wanted to see some writhing mass of nasty expel slurping and smacking noises out of its coils, I would throw a piece of whale meat in a tank of lampreys. On behalf of the WEB, STAHP.

Instead of mashing your face into one another, perhaps you could have an intellectually stimulating conversation… well, you could have a conversation at least. Plebeians. Maybe get to know your significant other on a deeper level than the inside of their mouth. I mean that in an emotional way, not in any other way, you crazy horny kids.