Zoom juice, bean extract, the closest legal equivalent to cocaine. The only way one is able to be remotely pleasant in the morning, even if they are a morning person such as myself. If caffeine is the only way for some people to act like a normal person then why has it become a trendy thing, a coffee hierarchy of sorts? It’s just caffeine, if your method of delivery is sweet and sugary or just straight-up black, who cares. 

I believe coffee became pretentious with the emergence of Starbucks. With so many different ways of ordering, and the people who do so; regulars, pre-teens, college students on the brink of an existential crisis, and the retirees who are just having a good time with their pals. A culture emerged around coffee, knowing what to substitute, how to say your order perfectly, and look good doing so. This culture may have been kicked off when there was a surge of new fun drinks, caramel pumpkin toffee whatever, the trendsetters trying to have the most fun fancy-sounding drink possible. 

Then there’s the opposite that emerged from the result of these chains, the posh coffee drinker. They only drink the finest of beans, each bean individually roasted with the fire of molten lava, brewed through a hand-made drip coffee maker, with water from the highest peak in the Andes. It’s still just coffee, you just are paying an unreasonable price to once again get caffeine into your system. If I hear someone say something like what I just described before I’ve had my coffee, there’s a strong chance that they will receive a swift kick to the head. 

Coffee is coffee, caffeine is wonderful in all forms. So just drink your coffee whatever way you choose, don’t be rude, and if at all possible try to locally source your beans just to be a good person in the community.